Along with all the genuinely fun holiday soirées that happen in December comes the one event dreaded by children and spouses for months: The Office Party. The late-evening, catered, themed dinner that celebrates the awkwardness of co-workers interacting outside of work. You’re always dragged there by your parents, totally assured that there will be “other kids your age,” but there NEVER are.
So, since I myself have to survive these annual social gatherings, I shall share with you other sulking attendees some essential tips to get through the ordeal:
1. If I can tell you one thing, it is to STAY AWAY from any and all children under age 8. I don’t care if they are as adorable as this girl dressed in her Santa outfit and rocking the dance floor. You MUST stay away. If you are seen with one child, every single parent will dump their kid on you and suddenly you are Octomom times 50.
2. In these offices or odd, rentable lodges where the parties are often held, the food is always iffy. If, by some miracle, the food is good, stay by the dishes all night and eat. If it isn’t, eat it anyway. Walk around with the odd stuff on your plate and each time someone asks you what it is, come up with a different answer. “Scandinavian pig soup!” “Iced goat tail!” etc. You are there as a kid, so feel free to make a fool of yourself for entertainment purposes.
3. I took a lesson out of the Maeby Fünke (of Arrested Development) Office Party Guide Book. Licked candy canes stick nicely to the coats of your parents. But don’t stick them on the guy in the $3,000 suit—come on!
4. In conclusion, do everything you can to skip the office party and instead go to your Fashion Board meeting to eat delicious waffles.