Zodiac 101: Know Thyself (and Thy Girlfriend)

Ever get the feeling your significant other is from another planet? Here’s a noble New Year’s resolution: Instead of shaking your clenched fists at the sky and frustratedly cursing “Women!” (or “Men!” as the case may be), try putting some thought into where they’re coming from. You could do a lot worse than consulting the 3,000-year-old theories of astrology for a hint or two. Hey, you might even learn something about your own weird personality while you’re at it.

We don’t know how this stuff works, exactly; all we know is that even the briefest descriptions of the 12 zodiac signs align uncannily well with our own wives, mothers, selves, and other acquaintances. We also know both you and your old lady will look sharp (and celestially attuned) in one of these VFILES ‘Zodiac’ Sweatshirts (they’re even available in unisex sizing, so they’ll fit each of you to a T).

Step 1: Know your wife’s or girlfriend’s birthday. We can’t stress that enough. Step 2: Keep reading to see the 12 sweatshirts and learn a bit about each Zodiac sign, via short excerpts from The AstroTwins (astrologers to the stars, whom you can also book a reading with as part of our New Beginnings Pop-In Shop).

1. Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)  •  Symbol: The Mountain Goat
“Serious Capricorn is ruled by Saturn, the planet of tough lessons and wisdom. As a result, many Capricorns are ‘old souls’ who play by the rules and follow tradition.”
Favorite Things: Business cards, being in charge, motorcycles, leather.
Things They Hate: Quitting, shouting in public, traveling without an itinerary.
[Read More | Shop the Shirt]

2. Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)  •  Symbol: The Water Bearer
“Although they may look like the boy/girl next door, they love to be around unusual people and ideas…Their sign is ruled by Uranus, planet of revolution and electricity, [so their] temper can flare out of nowhere.”
Favorite Things: Computer programming, team sports, independent films.
Things They Hate: Drama queens, owing favors, having to choose just one thing.
[Read More | Shop the Shirt]

3. Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)  •  Symbol: The Fish
“Pisces is symbolized by two fish swimming in opposite directions. A part of you is always trying to ‘swim away’ or escape reality. The other part is so intuitive that you get swept up in everything going on.”
Favorite Things: Dancing, romantic encounters, long poetic letters.
Things They Hate: Reality, drill sergeants, noisy music.
[Read More | Shop the Shirt]

4. Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 20)  •  Symbol: The Ram
“Aries is ruled by Mars, the fiery red planet of energy and drive. In mythology, Mars was the god of war and aggression. Highly impatient and competitive, many Aries have the fighting spirit of their mythological ruler.”
Favorite Things: New clothes, road trips (in fast red cars), conversation.
Things They Hate: Being ignored, losing, the word “no.”
[Read More | Shop the Shirt]

5. Taurus (Apr 21 – May 20)  •  Symbol: The Bull
“Sensual Taurus is ruled by Venus, the planet of love and beauty. This sign loves great food, romance and beautiful things…They’re happiest when surrounded by the best of everything.”
Favorite Things: Photography, the mountains, satin sheets.
Things They Hate: Being rushed, dirt, mornings.
[Read More | Shop the Shirt]

6. Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20)  •  Symbol: The Twins
“The Gemini mind (and mouth!) is a busy machine, always moving at warp speed. Adventurous Geminis change faster than the weather, and constantly flip between moods and interests.”
Favorite Things: Cell phones, trendy clothes, comedy clubs.
Things They Hate: Small-minded people, silence, routines.
[Read More | Shop the Shirt]

7. Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22)  •  Symbol: The Crab
“Sensitive Cancer is ruled by the ever-changing Moon, and their moods go through many cycles. Intuitive and nurturing…taking care of kids, friends and pets can keep their spirits high.”
Favorite Things: Hosting parties, working with kids, museums and art galleries.
Things They Hate: Frozen dinners, public speaking, paying full price.
[Read More | Shop the Shirt]

8. Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22)  •  Symbol: The Lion
“The Sun is the center of our solar system and the ruler of Leo. When the whole universe revolves around you, it’s hard to be humble! [They also] have a huge heart, and are the zodiac’s most generous sign.”
Favorite Things: Rich desserts, red roses, compliments.
Things They Hate: Bland food, being alone, silver medals (instead of gold).
[Read More | Shop the Shirt]

9. Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22)  •  Symbol: The Virgin
“Virgos are always analyzing everything, forming opinions and judgments. On the outside, they seem sweet and innocent, but their quick mind never misses a detail. They’re amazing, careful listeners, and as a result, give the best advice.”
Favorite Things: Magazines, long showers with aromatherapy soaps, Trivial Pursuit.
Things They Hate: Dive bars, spicy food, toothpaste squeezed from the top of the tube.
[Read More | Shop the Shirt]

10. Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22)  •  Symbol: The Scales of Justice
“Libra knows how to charm, but behind their sweet personality, they’re a fighter. Libra is the sign of the scales, and can’t stand anything that’s unfair or unbalanced. They love a designer outfit as much as they adore a good debate.”
Favorite Things: Concerts at large venues, poetry, expensive jewelry.
Things They Hate: Dull or practical people, bullies, hearing the word “maybe.”
[Read More | Shop the Shirt]

11. Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 22)  •  Symbol: The Scorpion
“Intense Scorpio is ruled by Pluto, planet of power and control. In mythology, Pluto was the god of the underworld. Once their friends get used to [a Scorpio’s] high-intensity style, they know that they’re fiercely loyal.”
Favorite Things: Underground music, an air of danger, organic ingredients.
Things They Hate: Insincere flattery, personal questions, living at someone else’s house.
[Read More | Shop the Shirt]

12. Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 21)  •  Symbol: The Archer or Centaur
“Cheerful Sagittarius is ruled by Jupiter, the ‘happy’ planet, full of energy and confidence. The ultimate free spirit: optimistic, open-minded and ambitious. As the sign of wisdom and truth, Sagittarius loves to ‘tell it like it is.'”
Favorite Things: Dares, flirting, international travel, karaoke.
Things They Hate: Rules, taking things too seriously, the words “you can’t.”
[Read More | Shop the Shirt]



{ 4 comments… add one }
  • Grammar Police January 16, 2014, 3:06 pm

    There is an error under Scorpio. The quote is from the libra section. Who edits this? Smh

  • Justin, Blog Editor January 16, 2014, 9:43 pm

    Dear Grammar Police,
    Thank you for reading, and for your comment. Scorpio was one of my favorites to read about, so I too am smh’ing at the error! My apologies, and it has now been amended.
    Justin, Men’s Blog Editor

  • StarSignStyle! January 24, 2014, 6:03 am

    Mr Virgo is going to be very annoyed that he doesn’t have a label….

  • David February 4, 2014, 2:46 pm

    Replace the word “girlfriend” with partner, some might find this writing perhaps offensive.

Leave a Comment